Not too much to report here. I'm back from a long weekend break. Aside from Spring Break, this may be my last one until the school year ends. I have my fingers crossed that I have a sick day or two saved, but I'm not sure. I am trying to wrap myself around the idea of working hard from here on out and staying healthy. My plan is to try for as much balance in my life as possible. I realize I have alot of stuff to do, but I am trying to find ways to break it all into manageable chunks so that I won't get sick or overwhelmed.
I think I am going to try doing just a bit of each extra task every day so that I don't get bored, frustrated or burnt out. Keeping my house clean for all the showings, as I try to sell it, is a major task unto itself. I'm going to try doing just a few minutes a day instead of large chunks here and there. I am also gearing up for the job hunt. So far, I have found several positions that look interesting, so my plan is to try just sending one application a day. Of course right now, the server on the site where I wanted to work is down, so I took the time to blog instead.
I am hoping that if I really plan and manage my time in this way, I will get less overwhelmed than I have been lately. It has been a bit of a rough winter. I'm not so much depressed, as I am discontented and overwhelmed. I have been having a lot of little melt downs. I think this is ok but I really don't want it to effect the times where I have to be out in public. A few tears at home when I'm tired is one thing, letting my students see me upset is another.
I am trying to look toward my future and decide what I most want, but I am very bogged down in my day-to-day survival at this point. I guess the good news is that I am surviving:) I felt a little sick over the weekend and I slept a ton but I have my fingers crossed that I am out of the woods now. Part of my balancing act means making sure that I continue to get plenty of sleep. I think that is key to staying physically and mentally healthy, so as I continue to take on a few more things and maintain what is already before me, I plan to still prioritize sleep above almost all else. I also continue to hope that as spring comes, the increase in light will perk me up and give me the energy to take care of the little extras I need to start slipping into my day.
Right now this is my plan for living, if not Living! Today I am grateful for the little things that make life worth living.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thanks for your loyalty
A quick apology to all my awesome "followers..." Sorry I have been so scarce lately. Life has a way of catching up with us at times and leaving us absolutely spun around. That certainly describes my life lately. I am finally taking a little R&R this weekend before I blow my health and my mind. I promise to be back soon with something witty, or at least something (LOL).
Thursday, February 11, 2010
New MS Blog
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The unexpected
Just a few moments to indulge in a guilty pleasure: blogging, before I get back to working. I have been working like a dog. The job is haunting my every waking hour and even some of my sleeping ones. This afternoon I took time out for a nap and had dreams that I was still checking on kids progress in my classroom. Ugh!
I got to the yoga studio and graded stack after stack of disheartening papers. Despite my best efforts, all my 10th graders completely flunked the test. Of course, passing did require actually reading the book... It was another hard day on the front lines and their work did not cheer me up. I kept asking, "Is it me?" Just when I was really down, I had a nice, unexpected surprise.
One of my yoga students walked in and said to me, "Don't doubt that every day you make a difference."
"I sure don't feel like it," I said.
She told me, "You should listen to your own words of wisdom. I was repeating what you said in class the other day on my way here. You said, 'You can either stress, or transistion with grace."
I guess I did say that. "I guess sometimes people are listening," I told her, "But I'm still a crappy classroom teacher."
"Hey, you also told me to "Doubt my doubts," she reminded me.
I did do that, didn't I? I'm glad to know that at least someone is listening when I teach:) My student is right. I really should take my own advice.
There are two things that really do help me. Since it seems at least someone listens, I will share. First, when I feel reluctance to face the next thing before me I remind myself. "You are ok right now and that is all that matters. Take things as they come, and you will be fine." The second thing I do is remind myself, "You can always try again tomorrow." That really helps too because then I can feel ok about whatever I think went poorly today. So as I near the end of another long day, I think, "I will try again tomorrow." All we can ever do is our best. I think I can live with that.
Today I am grateful to be fine right here and now, and to have the gift of tomorrow to try again.
I got to the yoga studio and graded stack after stack of disheartening papers. Despite my best efforts, all my 10th graders completely flunked the test. Of course, passing did require actually reading the book... It was another hard day on the front lines and their work did not cheer me up. I kept asking, "Is it me?" Just when I was really down, I had a nice, unexpected surprise.
One of my yoga students walked in and said to me, "Don't doubt that every day you make a difference."
"I sure don't feel like it," I said.
She told me, "You should listen to your own words of wisdom. I was repeating what you said in class the other day on my way here. You said, 'You can either stress, or transistion with grace."
I guess I did say that. "I guess sometimes people are listening," I told her, "But I'm still a crappy classroom teacher."
"Hey, you also told me to "Doubt my doubts," she reminded me.
I did do that, didn't I? I'm glad to know that at least someone is listening when I teach:) My student is right. I really should take my own advice.
There are two things that really do help me. Since it seems at least someone listens, I will share. First, when I feel reluctance to face the next thing before me I remind myself. "You are ok right now and that is all that matters. Take things as they come, and you will be fine." The second thing I do is remind myself, "You can always try again tomorrow." That really helps too because then I can feel ok about whatever I think went poorly today. So as I near the end of another long day, I think, "I will try again tomorrow." All we can ever do is our best. I think I can live with that.
Today I am grateful to be fine right here and now, and to have the gift of tomorrow to try again.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Color me a different shade
Sadly, I'm not even interesting to me anymore. I'm sick of sameness, sick of listening to myself mull over the same crap, sick of the job, sick of the routine and I'm still seeing little change on the horizon. I want to do something different, create something beautiful, but I seem stuck in blah. When I get a break from working, I feel either too physically, or too mentally drained, to do anything remotely exciting. I'm trying to accept that-- for now. I'm completely discontent thinking that this stagnation will last for long. I'm determined to claw my way out, do something that isn't work, sleep, or escape from thoughts of work.
I want to find something to look forward to besides my next nap (LOL). Maybe this is just winter blues. I can't say I'm trying hard to find it, but I'm looking for new opportunities to come my way. In the meantime, I'm trying for patience and something better than a tolerable existence. I see glimmers at times.
I did get out a few times this weekend. I went to aerial dance to practice on the fabric and hoop. That was cool. Yesterday, I actually went to a yoga class I didn't teach. Now, I hunger for the time and energy for greater adventure. My eyes are open. I just need some inspiration.
Today I am grateful that my largest complaint is lack of inspiration. I am truly grateful for the comfort of my existence:)
I want to find something to look forward to besides my next nap (LOL). Maybe this is just winter blues. I can't say I'm trying hard to find it, but I'm looking for new opportunities to come my way. In the meantime, I'm trying for patience and something better than a tolerable existence. I see glimmers at times.
I did get out a few times this weekend. I went to aerial dance to practice on the fabric and hoop. That was cool. Yesterday, I actually went to a yoga class I didn't teach. Now, I hunger for the time and energy for greater adventure. My eyes are open. I just need some inspiration.
Today I am grateful that my largest complaint is lack of inspiration. I am truly grateful for the comfort of my existence:)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Work, Sleep, Repeat again
Lately this is just about it... Work, sleep, repeat-- it does not leave much time for blogging either. Right now,I'm actually still working but I'm just watching the desk at the yoga studio, so it's pretty mellow. The last two days, I stayed at school late. Yesterday, I made parent calls for conferences this week until 5:00, then I drove home, ate and slept. Today I worked, went to a union meeting, worked some more and then came to the studio to work some more. Tomorrow I plan to go in early to meet with a student and then to work a bit more before the day officially starts. The hardest part, honestly, is getting myself out of bed. I can't seem to stop hitting snooze. Tomorrow I'll try to stop doing that and just get up. Maybe there will even be a nap in my afternoon forecast if I'm lucky. Maybe I won't even take work home.
Thursday, I'll spend all day in the salt mines from about 6:30 am until 8:30 pm, because we have parent/teacher conferences. I am dreading that long haul. Ever since my diagnosis, I have yet to make it through the day after conferences without being ill from fatigue. I am going to think positive since it seems I have been training for long days lately (LOL). I also just met another co-worker with MS, so I feel like I might have someone to commiserate with during tough times. She has had the disease for nine years and seems to be doing great. I think she is even busier than me, so I have a good model.
The good news is, I get a three day weekend. Of course, I'm working on Saturday. I am hoping it will be fun. I am presenting a yoga class at a diversity conference for teens. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have my fingers crossed that it will go well.
Sunday will be mostly about sleep. If I can get anything done during conferences, maybe I will work less this weekend. Last weekend, I worked at least eight hours on stuff for school, taught two yoga classes, and cleaned my house. I did watch about four episodes of "Dexter" while I worked. This made it all a little less painful. The rest of my time, I slept. I slept about twelve hours between Friday and Saturday, napped three hours on Saturday, slept another nine hours Saturday night and then took a two hour nap on Sunday. Many people with MS may be asking how I have been managing to do so much. Look how much I slept :) I admit that when I am working or commuting, I spend a lot of time fantasizing about my next nap.
Overall, I have been feeling decent, just tired, but I am having an irritating side-effect from my Copaxone. The lymph nodes under my arm and breast are swollen and hardened. I called Shared Solutions and they told me to call the doctor. Do you think I did? When I get a minute, I'll get right on that. Maybe tomorrow? I don't want him to suggest I try a new medication. I would like to stick with my Copaxone while I have to work all the time. It doesn't seem like too big a deal, so I am hoping the doctor will tell me to stay the course... Anybody else have this problem with their Copaxone? I know it's the drug, because when I took a few days off, the lymph nodes went back to normal and this side-effect is reported by some other folks on Copaxone.
These days, I'm trying to remain as positive and present as I can. I am truly just living one day at a time, but that keeps things more manageable.
Today I am thankful to have enough energy to maintain this schedule so far. I am also thankful to have the comforts that I am lucky enough to have.
Thursday, I'll spend all day in the salt mines from about 6:30 am until 8:30 pm, because we have parent/teacher conferences. I am dreading that long haul. Ever since my diagnosis, I have yet to make it through the day after conferences without being ill from fatigue. I am going to think positive since it seems I have been training for long days lately (LOL). I also just met another co-worker with MS, so I feel like I might have someone to commiserate with during tough times. She has had the disease for nine years and seems to be doing great. I think she is even busier than me, so I have a good model.
The good news is, I get a three day weekend. Of course, I'm working on Saturday. I am hoping it will be fun. I am presenting a yoga class at a diversity conference for teens. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have my fingers crossed that it will go well.
Sunday will be mostly about sleep. If I can get anything done during conferences, maybe I will work less this weekend. Last weekend, I worked at least eight hours on stuff for school, taught two yoga classes, and cleaned my house. I did watch about four episodes of "Dexter" while I worked. This made it all a little less painful. The rest of my time, I slept. I slept about twelve hours between Friday and Saturday, napped three hours on Saturday, slept another nine hours Saturday night and then took a two hour nap on Sunday. Many people with MS may be asking how I have been managing to do so much. Look how much I slept :) I admit that when I am working or commuting, I spend a lot of time fantasizing about my next nap.
Overall, I have been feeling decent, just tired, but I am having an irritating side-effect from my Copaxone. The lymph nodes under my arm and breast are swollen and hardened. I called Shared Solutions and they told me to call the doctor. Do you think I did? When I get a minute, I'll get right on that. Maybe tomorrow? I don't want him to suggest I try a new medication. I would like to stick with my Copaxone while I have to work all the time. It doesn't seem like too big a deal, so I am hoping the doctor will tell me to stay the course... Anybody else have this problem with their Copaxone? I know it's the drug, because when I took a few days off, the lymph nodes went back to normal and this side-effect is reported by some other folks on Copaxone.
These days, I'm trying to remain as positive and present as I can. I am truly just living one day at a time, but that keeps things more manageable.
Today I am thankful to have enough energy to maintain this schedule so far. I am also thankful to have the comforts that I am lucky enough to have.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Epiphany
I thought I better write this down before I forget it (LOL). All my introspection seems to have paid off.
A few months ago, my mother repeated a question to me posed by her meditation teacher. The question was, "What is your true heart's desire?" I realized that the answer to this question is much more important than having a tangible dream. It gets at the essence of what we really want without all the problems caused by expectations (our own and those of others).
I know what my heart truly desires. Above all things I desire freedom.
I want the freedom to do whatever I might dream of doing. I want freedom from the constraints of fear. All my kicking and screaming is in direct protest to things that I see as impositions on my freedom. The irony is, in order to have certain freedoms, I have to give up other ones.
If I want the freedom from financial duress, I have to work. If I want independence and the ability to care for myself, I have to work and I have to find ways to take care of myself, even if they seem like impositions. In order to have freedom from home ownership, I have to take good care of my house so it will sell. Having seen these ironies, I resent these constraints on my freedom less. At the moment, they are the key to many of my freedoms.
If I can find the energy, I have the freedom to do what I want, almost whenever I want. It makes me somewhat giddy. Here I was feeling trapped, only to realize that for almost all freedoms, there is a price. I guess the question is whether it is worthwhile. I'm tired but something tells me that if I look at things through this new lens, they look a hell of a lot more beautiful than they did yesterday.
Today I am grateful for my freedoms. I must have freed things up a little since I have been blogging again:)
A few months ago, my mother repeated a question to me posed by her meditation teacher. The question was, "What is your true heart's desire?" I realized that the answer to this question is much more important than having a tangible dream. It gets at the essence of what we really want without all the problems caused by expectations (our own and those of others).
I know what my heart truly desires. Above all things I desire freedom.
I want the freedom to do whatever I might dream of doing. I want freedom from the constraints of fear. All my kicking and screaming is in direct protest to things that I see as impositions on my freedom. The irony is, in order to have certain freedoms, I have to give up other ones.
If I want the freedom from financial duress, I have to work. If I want independence and the ability to care for myself, I have to work and I have to find ways to take care of myself, even if they seem like impositions. In order to have freedom from home ownership, I have to take good care of my house so it will sell. Having seen these ironies, I resent these constraints on my freedom less. At the moment, they are the key to many of my freedoms.
If I can find the energy, I have the freedom to do what I want, almost whenever I want. It makes me somewhat giddy. Here I was feeling trapped, only to realize that for almost all freedoms, there is a price. I guess the question is whether it is worthwhile. I'm tired but something tells me that if I look at things through this new lens, they look a hell of a lot more beautiful than they did yesterday.
Today I am grateful for my freedoms. I must have freed things up a little since I have been blogging again:)
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