I keep telling myself to buck up. I keep reminding myself that I am strong. I keep telling myself, I can do this but here I am in despair. Every day at work gets a little harder. I cry in the car both ways. I tell myself to get over it already but I just can't seem to do it.
Why do I cry? I cry because I feel inadequate as one teacher trying to climb uphill and make a difference for my kids. I cry because every morning I feel sick until almost 10 am and question whether I can make it through the day. I cry because I keep asking myself, "How am I going to get through the day? How am I going to make it through the week? How am I going to support myself and my family for the next 30 years? How can I keep doing this day in and day out when I feel so lousy and tired?"
Even my sleep is troubled now. I am afraid to turn the wrong way in bed. I am afraid one tiny dizzy spell will become full-blown vertigo. I am afraid and panicked about a lot these days.
In some ways I really miss the old me. I used to be so confident and full of energy. I felt so certain of what I wanted and so sure in my convictions. Now I think about how I need to save my sick days. I think I have trapped myself in one school with one position that I will never be able to leave because I need health insurance and I need to pay my bills. When I got sick I thought that I could really change myself and my path. I was fearless. Now I am caught in a spiral of destructive thinking where I hate myself for being so depressed and so full of uncertainty. I thought it was all a matter of changing your thinking but now I can't seem to change it. And under it all, there is deep guilt. I really want to create a good expereince for the kids. I want them to learn but I am always wishing that I had done a better job. There are so many levels in my classes and try as I might, I just cannot come up with a way to meet all those different needs every class, every day.
Does this mean that I need to make a change? Frankly, I just keep telling myself that I will push through the challenges of everyday life because I must. I also keep telling myself to pull it together. I used to do all this with such ease. I should at least be able to somehow maintain the basics of my life, meet my responsibilities and not need to rely on others to keep my life in order.