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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Buck up

I keep telling myself to buck up. I keep reminding myself that I am strong. I keep telling myself, I can do this but here I am in despair. Every day at work gets a little harder. I cry in the car both ways. I tell myself to get over it already but I just can't seem to do it.

Why do I cry? I cry because I feel inadequate as one teacher trying to climb uphill and make a difference for my kids. I cry because every morning I feel sick until almost 10 am and question whether I can make it through the day. I cry because I keep asking myself, "How am I going to get through the day? How am I going to make it through the week? How am I going to support myself and my family for the next 30 years? How can I keep doing this day in and day out when I feel so lousy and tired?"

Even my sleep is troubled now. I am afraid to turn the wrong way in bed. I am afraid one tiny dizzy spell will become full-blown vertigo. I am afraid and panicked about a lot these days.

In some ways I really miss the old me. I used to be so confident and full of energy. I felt so certain of what I wanted and so sure in my convictions. Now I think about how I need to save my sick days. I think I have trapped myself in one school with one position that I will never be able to leave because I need health insurance and I need to pay my bills. When I got sick I thought that I could really change myself and my path. I was fearless. Now I am caught in a spiral of destructive thinking where I hate myself for being so depressed and so full of uncertainty. I thought it was all a matter of changing your thinking but now I can't seem to change it. And under it all, there is deep guilt. I really want to create a good expereince for the kids. I want them to learn but I am always wishing that I had done a better job. There are so many levels in my classes and try as I might, I just cannot come up with a way to meet all those different needs every class, every day.

Does this mean that I need to make a change? Frankly, I just keep telling myself that I will push through the challenges of everyday life because I must. I also keep telling myself to pull it together. I used to do all this with such ease. I should at least be able to somehow maintain the basics of my life, meet my responsibilities and not need to rely on others to keep my life in order.

12 comments:

Weeble Girl said...

Hey Nadja, are you on any anti-depressants? Without mine I would be truly suicidal instead of just depressed beyond belief.

Hoping for the best for you. Wednesday is supposed to be our day off, too.

Must go to bed. It's almost 8 p.m. here and my eyes are closing.

Weebs

Merelyme said...

oooh my friend! it will be okay. truly. this is a bad time but it will pass. sometimes it is okay to not buck up...to take a rest...and not be so hard on yourself. i know...the fears come...often at night when you are lieing there. they do for me too. it is okay to say you are afraid or to be sad about all this. having MS is very difficult. you never know what to expect.

allow yourself to just feel as you feel. let it wash over you and let it pass.

if you ever need someone to talk to...i am definitely around. i sure hope you feel better soon.

Lanette said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having such problems. I know, I was there...I've been having problems working for years. I'd say the last 4.5 to be exact - problems concentrating, migraines, fatigue, and just plain old exhaustion from the everyday work days.

Thank god that 6 months ago I was able to quit my job and have my fiance support us. I realize how blessed I am to have that support. It has definitely affected our finances in a big way, but, I have no choice as it now seems my symptoms are increasing with this recent flare. I guess I've resigned myself to do all I can and what I can't do I can't.

Maybe look at some ways you can change your life and rely more on others and maybe work less or even PT. I know everyone else here says plow on through and push yourself, but, I'm saying it's Okay to be so tired you just need a break. Maybe a sabatical for a short time period.

CC said...

In my experience. The first two years are the hardest! Not knowing what to expect, not knowing how to adjust to the new normal, not knowing (really knowing) what is best for your body. It will get better. You will know and understand what choices are best for your body and your lifestyle...it just takes a little time.

Also keep in mind that Depression is a symptom of MS. Sometimes it's hard to "Buck up" out of a depression without help. Maybe it's just a mini-slump? Feel better and trust yourself.

Jen said...

Nadja---

Oh my goodness. It is so difficult to digest working full-time (as a teacher, nonetheless), feeling lousy, and having a new MS diagnosis. It is very overwhelming. You have all these issues you probably didn't have a year ago. Lots of worry, lots of projecting into the future, and lots of emotions about the disease itself.

If you can, please try to remember that you are in an extraordinary situation, and the majority of people are not dealing with these issues on a daily basis.

If you need to ever talk, come on over to my site and email me:
http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm
/jennifergerics

Hang in there, ok?

Jen

Jen said...

Hi again, Nadja. A little humor from your cyber buddy Jen. The link to my profile with my email address is invalid!

This is easier:

womenzhealth@yahoo.com


There---- now don't you feel a tiny bit better after witnessing my buffoonery?

Jen

Serina said...

Nadja,
I'm sorry you are feeling that way, I can tell you that I have & commonly find myself with very similar feelings and frustrations.

My biggest advice, (and I know how corny it sounds) would be to maybe see someone about maybe getting something that would help you actually get some sleep.

You are strong, and I believe that you will be able to make it through this. That being said, I know how much worse I feel (both emotionally and physically) when I am not sleeping well. The MS seems to get greatly magnified .. least thats how it works for me.

You are in my prayers!! as always. :)

~BriGuy~ said...

Nadja,

I hope you feel better. You have a great spirit and should be proud of all that you do!

-Brian

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read and comment on this post. I usually respond to each comment but my eyes are rather dilated after a vision appointment so for now one response will have to suffice. In a word (ok two) Thank you.

Things got better today as my day progressed and I got support from firends, colleagues and all of you. I feel much better knwoing that I am not alone in this. I did talk to the school counselors a bit and that helped too. Like so many of you they offered their help and support.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and prayers. They do seem to be helping. One day at a time, one at a time.

Nadja

Anne said...

Dear Nadja:

You are so MS normal, it is scary! LOL I was where you are and it was not a comfortable place then as it is not comfortable now.

But seriously, I LOVE MY PROZAC!!!!

The fact that you can still work FULL TIME is a blessing in itself. But maybe you need to have an aide in the classroom with you during the day. Someone to delegate to so you aren't the be all to everyone. I don't know if you have one already, but it can't hurt to ask for one.

Crying is a good thing, believe it or not....it gets all the junk out and eases stress in your brain. So go ahead and have some good cries, you are doing your brain a good service.

We all get to a point when we say "How am I going to do this?" or "How am I going to support myself for the next umpteen years?"

Firstly, you will get through this "in your own time."

Secondly, you are married (in a committed relationship) and if he didn't love you, he'd be gone. I'm sure he has figured out that if and when children come along, he will be the sole support. If he has gotten educated at all about MS, he will also know that you need him as a good support system.

And that support system is 1) talking 2) sharing the good and the bad 3) asking when you need 4) loving during the good and the bad 5) support in more ways than one. (financially and emotionally).

Sleep will be troubled as long as you day hours are troubled. When you are at peace during the day with your problems, your sleep will be more comfortable.

If you do not already take a low dose anti-depressant, please consider Prozac or something like it. There is no shame in it, so don't go there! It is a lifeline for me.

Depression is part of life for everyone but moreso for us MSers. It comes as a gift with the damn disease. So know that going in, share your troubles like you did on your blog and get your support from whomever you can.

I have been in the deepest darkest depressions (once was awake for over ten days!) and have come out on the other side. You can too.

Thank you for sharing on your blog.

Take care,
Anne

pat said...

I certainly feel all the comments here are filled with so much love for you(and understanding)Ms. Nadja. Without truly knowing any of the difficulties you are facing,due to being MS free, I found myself responding to your words. You are tender soul but do not seem to allow yourself to be treated as such.My humanity is so touched by your tears,and I would wish for you the same gifts you give others.Namely hope, compassion and gentleness.I really liked what merelyme had to say.- it's OK to feel what you feel.Fear is an awful,but normal thing. Please keep posting Nadja.Let the hands on this page hold your head above water for now.That IS what we are on this earth to do for one another.

Diane J Standiford said...

You are still in mourning for the lost pre-MS you; you are going through a natural grieving process . At the end is acceptance and you will get there in your own time. Cry. Scream. Fear. Just know many have gone before you and what now seems impossible is not! Take it one moment at a time. You will be fine.