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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Where I seem to be living

I find myself swallowed into the deepest, darkest cavern that I have ever known and I cannot seem to find a light.
I crawl on bare knees, constantly seeking smoother ground.
I call out into the depths but there is no answer.
I find myself alone here, girded for battle yet terrified.

I feel dull about the edges.
A cold numb, paws at my insides but flames seem to dance along my skull.
The flames lick about on my neck and down my arms and I howl into the abyss seeking relief.

I let my tears rain for days
But there is no relief.
Now I am spent but hollow.
I seek a reason to put one foot before the other.
I seek a reason to get up every day and try again.

The world has lost is flavor.
Everything seems dulled now.
Music barely stirs me
Food is losing its taste
Sleep is marred by demons
Or worse,
By waking to find that nothing has changed.

This is not what I want
This is not the self I recognize
I am not the me I want to be
I don't know what the hell I want--

9 comments:

Xenu said...

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. Please know that there are a lot of people who think about you often and who care about you a great deal.

XOXO,
Xenu

pat said...

One of the books that sustained me during my recovery was "the prophet" by Gibran. Here is one of the essays I thought you might like about now.



Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."

My best to you.

Weeble Girl said...

Wanted to echo Xenu's comments. I hope the new meds will help you out here soon. It sucks to live in the pit you're in. I often feel as if I'm in one, as well.

Hugs,
Weebs

Jen said...

Unfortunately, the antidepressants can take a while to kick in (2-6 weeks, depending on the person.)

Sounds like you're the only car in a dimly-lit tunnel, traveling about 25 miles an hour. The end of the tunnel can't yet be seen. So you just keep on driving slowly and steadily until you emerge again, back out onto the street. Strange analogy, but this is what I think during troubled MS times.

Jen

Bubbie said...

there are days that I come across some "prose" that I have written, stream of consciousness while in apparent pain and anguish, and when reading them I don't recognize the person that wrote them. It's hard to imagine the depths again after you have risen. You will rise again, back to the self you recognize. This too shall pass.

Diane J Standiford said...

Do you have family/friends support? Just let me throw out that something may be attaacking your light spirit besides MS. Have you ever had such anxiety before? Has the peace of Yoga left you? Your words are heart breaking. I will keep your search for "you" in my thoughts.

Serina said...

When I took antidepressents for my "Baby Blues" after my first son was born, the first couple of weeks I felt in even worse shape than the months that lead me to start taking them in the first place.

It can sometimes take a little bit for you system to adjust. I know its hard.. :(

It will get better.. rest when you can, and know that you have a bunch of people pulling for you..

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks ladies. Diane, the peace of yoga has not left me, I have just come upon unexpectedly hard times. The shreds of my sanity still lie in yoga and when I teach or practice I feel at peace when I finish. Although my adjustment is proving hard, I think a great deal of my angst is actually chemical. It seems to be lifting a bit today and I am finding my feisty self beneath all the layers of self-pity and self-doubt.

Blindbeard said...

Wow! This is a great post! I loved it and felt like you were talking about what I went through myself, as I'm sure almost everyone who has MS (or any other chronic, disabling disease)goes through.