First Yoga Training

At first it was hard... I overslept yesterday. I was so fatigued... When I got up I felt sore and nauseated. I suspect I overdid the excercise on Tuesday (yoga and contortion in one day). When I finally got out of the house I went to Starbuck's for a Chai. I couldn't even stand up and wait for it because I felt so nauseated. Once I got a little food and caffeine into me I felt slightly better but I was still sore and exhausted.
I went to a training for work. It was mind over matter. I felt exhausted. Whenever I felt really bad I ate and drank something and took Ibuprofin. I was there for eight long hours. It might as well have been twenty. By the time I got out I was so tired I could barely drive home. I tried to nap but I couldn't stop thinking about my yoga teacher training at 6:30. I finally had a large snack and some caffeine to compensate.
When I got to training I was crestfallen to learn that we were practing. I felt tired and my stomach was full. Like so many times lately,I cried in "child's pose." Usually I cry because I am so grateful to be doing yoga. This time I cried because I couldn't stop thinking,"This is not how it was suppossed to be." I had waited so long for this and wanted to feel strong and powerful. Instead, I was full and weak. I worried that other people might notice. I'm not sure if they did.
I made it throught the practice and as usual, it made me feel better. We introduced ourselves. I debated whether to tell the class that I have MS but in the end I did. I told them for several reasons. First, I wanted to be looked out for just in case. I also wanted them to see that people with MS can do things "regular" people do. I want people to know that MS has really changed me and at times I want to talk about that transformation.
Some people might ask why I would want to be the poster child for MS, why I would put my life out on display so honestly and openly... I would respond, "If not me, then who?" Someone has to speak. We spend life seeking connections and understanding, how can we understand the range of human experience if no one ever speaks? How can we learn to love and respect our fellow man if we can't even be honest about the deepest, darkest recesses of our being? I remember that my mother told me that I don't have to change the world just because Ihave MS. I counter again, "If not me then who?" We can't sit on our butts and wait for someone to come along and save the world. We have to take responsibility and do it ourselves.
My mentor also cautioned me about putting my life out on display. To that I said, "I don't give a F--- what anyone thinks." She was very taken aback. I didn't mean it in a harsh way. I just meant that MS has taught me to scoff at fear. I used to worry so much about what other people thought. Now I think, "You can't please everyone, you've got to please yourself (I think that line comes from a Credence song)."
Anyway... back to the training. It was still hard for me to tell the group about my MS. Of course I blubbered a bit. Something like, "I am just so glad to be here." I was a little embarassed but if a room full of yogis can't accept me for who and what I am, who will?
In the end, I learned a lot and felt pretty comfortable and accepted. One of the other students came up to me after class and gave me a big hug. He thanked me for sharing. I think it was worth it just for that. Now I just pray for good health and energy to get through the demanding training regimen. I think I better clear my calendar for the next few months.