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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Behind the clouds there might be a rainbow

Samadhi, a feeling of exquisite esctasy where we realize that we are one with the divine and we enjoy a feeling of complete bliss. We stalk this elusive state. We may not call it Samadhi but our souls yearn to find this peace. Everything we suffer pales before Samadhi. Would we know this perfect state if we were never tried?

I used to think that Samadhi was only for the mystics, those who pursued and mastered a spiritual life. Since I was afflicted with my first relapse, I have experienced this state more than once. The first time was when I was near delusional with steroid-induced insomnia. At the time I did not label the experience "Samadhi" because it was so much more than that as well but I remember several lucid moments from that night where I was outside my body. I spoke to those both living and dead. I communed with spirits and beneath it all was the joy and certainty that I was going to be alright. I no longer judged myself or others. I voiced prayer after prayer for mankind, even the ones I formerly disliked. The veil of this plane was lifted and I could see the "divine" nature of everyone and everything. I accepted myself and my place in the world without doubts.

Since that day I have sought that state again. The day after I actually felt for a time like I was becoming "enlightened." Alas, enlightenment and Samadhi are more elusive than that... Yet there are moments where I again forget the reality I am chained to and I experience several moments of perfect bliss.

You cannot be the same after you have tasted Samahdi. You look for it behind every bush, in every experience and you try to avoid the unpleasant people and situations that make you turn your back on Samadhi. At the same time you know that Samadhi can be found again, even as you face the path you must tread every day, like it or not. I struggle behind dark clouds of my own making and yet beyond them I can see the rainbow that is Samadhi.

Today is a good day. For the first time in a really long time, my body feels strong and great. My mind is at peace. When I went to yoga, for a moment, I was near the rainbow. I felt my heart fill with joy. The music filled me. So complete was my content that I almost cried with the pure beauty of that moment. I was reminded that behind the clouds there just might be a rainbow.


Blinders Off said...

After having dark cloud moments, it is a beautiful moment when a peace comes over you after the rainbow breaks through.

Jen said...

I'm glad you're feeling strong! It does kinda feel transcendental when you're doing steroids. I found my tranquility in fishing. Caught a lot during June, although Bill and I haven't been doing as much lately because of the heat wave. But that felt like my "enlightenment." I also read Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements again, for clarity, and the Dalai Lama's How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life. Both give important truths that we tend to disregard during healthful, easy times.

mdmhvonpa said...

good to hear that things are 'better'

Joan said...

Wow! That's wild. Thanks for sharing the experience.