I slept until 5:45 without interruption (a record of late) but as soon as I got up to go to the bathroom it was as though a weight had settled on my chest. Again I was completely filled by the sorrow I had spent most of Saturday trying to squelch. I burrowed back under the convers and tried to forget.
I was up again within two hours, just as miserable. I repeated this cycle several times, telling myself I should quit dwelling, go to yoga and try to forget this silliness. And still it lingered.
My husband went off to canvass for Obama and still I lay in bed. It had now been almost twelve hours and more than one klonopin since I lay down and still I was not ready to venture out. I set an alarm for 11:00 am and planned to go to yoga. The alarm sounded and still I lingered. It was not a luxuriating linger, it was a tortured knife in my heart lingering. My husband returned at about 11:45 and tried to talk me out of bed and yet still, I could not rouse myself. I lay there tortured, knowing that at some point I must arise...
My husband's plans and presence at last pulled me out of bed. I determined not to waste any more of the day. I decided to go to a yoga class. Ultimately, I did many things today. The more I did, the better my mental state. I still fear for tomorrow because my stomach still has yet to settle but it's not as bad as it was and physically I am starting to feel quite a bit better. I am trying to set more realistic goals for myself and my students, reminding myself that one way or another, they will learn.
When I am anxious and sad I have been trying to visualize a place or a thing that makes me feel happy and peaceful. Up until now I have had little success but I realized that in yoga both yesterday and today that when I lay in the warm yoga room and closed my eyes, I was filled with peace. I am going to try imagining that space the next time I find myself filled with sorrow. It seems there are a few more moments now where I can find a place of content without my own mental torture for a few hours. A few hours today, a few tomorrow and maybe soon the day will come when I refind and redefine myself in ways that I can accept.
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7 comments:
I'm sorry to hear of your on-going struggles with this. I too feel this way some days. It's great that yoga helps you, I've been thinking of doing yoga and maybe some meditation as well.
I wish you the best in the coming week and remember, baby steps, one day at a time. :)
Thanks Lanette. You hit it right on the money. One day at a time. I am feeling a little more like myself today. Some of the fight is coming back into me and I'm feeling the sunshine again.
Nadja- you have my admiration for your courage both in attitude and the ability to share your struggles in your blogs. I spent time this weekend with a friend who also has MS, and have directed her to your blog.I think your honesty and strength will help her. Keep that thumb under your chin warrior woman!
Thanks Pat. You make me smile.
enjoy this quote then. I'm cutting and pasting here - ““To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other.””
Carlos Castaneda
Thanks again pat, this is certainly one worthy of publication.
Yoga has helped me in more ways than I thought. Keep your head high!!!
-Brian
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