I slept until 5:45 without interruption (a record of late) but as soon as I got up to go to the bathroom it was as though a weight had settled on my chest. Again I was completely filled by the sorrow I had spent most of Saturday trying to squelch. I burrowed back under the convers and tried to forget.
I was up again within two hours, just as miserable. I repeated this cycle several times, telling myself I should quit dwelling, go to yoga and try to forget this silliness. And still it lingered.
My husband went off to canvass for Obama and still I lay in bed. It had now been almost twelve hours and more than one klonopin since I lay down and still I was not ready to venture out. I set an alarm for 11:00 am and planned to go to yoga. The alarm sounded and still I lingered. It was not a luxuriating linger, it was a tortured knife in my heart lingering. My husband returned at about 11:45 and tried to talk me out of bed and yet still, I could not rouse myself. I lay there tortured, knowing that at some point I must arise...
My husband's plans and presence at last pulled me out of bed. I determined not to waste any more of the day. I decided to go to a yoga class. Ultimately, I did many things today. The more I did, the better my mental state. I still fear for tomorrow because my stomach still has yet to settle but it's not as bad as it was and physically I am starting to feel quite a bit better. I am trying to set more realistic goals for myself and my students, reminding myself that one way or another, they will learn.
When I am anxious and sad I have been trying to visualize a place or a thing that makes me feel happy and peaceful. Up until now I have had little success but I realized that in yoga both yesterday and today that when I lay in the warm yoga room and closed my eyes, I was filled with peace. I am going to try imagining that space the next time I find myself filled with sorrow. It seems there are a few more moments now where I can find a place of content without my own mental torture for a few hours. A few hours today, a few tomorrow and maybe soon the day will come when I refind and redefine myself in ways that I can accept.