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Monday, October 13, 2008

Trying to turn a new leaf

One day at a time, one day at a time, I'm trying to turn the corner and forget the darkness that has long been clouding my mind. Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before so perhaps I'm on my way.

There have been times where I have railed against this thing with claws and teeth... I have succumbed to moments of near madness. Sometimes the anger has consumed me. Other times it has seemed that the anxiety would eat me alive yet here I stand, one woman warring against the darkness. When I pause here, I remember that through it all I have met my most pressing obligations. I have gone to work and tried my hardest. I have continued to teach yoga. I have gone to yoga myself as much as possible and I have faced it all with little except the faith that this to shall pass.

Some say that the path to transformation is pathed with suffering. Perhaps I have been putting in my dues. It seems that in my toughest moments, I have found words and a voice to soothe others. I taught yoga today while I was sick and yet I found the tranquility it takes to guide a beautiful class. My voice was calm, my breath was full and steady and from my discomfort, a peace emerged. In longer moments, I have been finding this peace again. I imagine that the hardest may yet be in front of me but I am trying to fill my mind and soul with a rememberance of the peace I feel when I do and teach yoga.

I am starting to read a book my mother sent me called "Break Through Pain" by Shinzen Young. It also has a CD of guided practice. I listened to it a bit today and found myself soothed. I was thinking I could listen to it on the way to work when I often feel the worst. It may not free me of my morning nausea but perhaps it will help me continue to calm my mind in ways that allow me to face my day with grace. I want so badly to learn from the difficult times of late. I want to learn to accept myself and my limitations more. I want to better know myself. I want to move beyond the place where I can only think of now to a place where I can be in the now but view the future without anxiety. Right now I am ok. I want to remember that even during the hard times. Everything I need for a beautiful life is already inside of me.


Jen said...

There is always Joan's chat room! Peace and tranquility will also help your sanity....

Hey Nadja: Do you like my scary eye??

Weeble Girl said...

I may join you on the next chat if I get my act together. It would be so good to hear from some of my fellow bloggers!

I wish I could come and take yoga class with you. I am so unbendy it's not even funny but it sounds like you are so relaxed and would help me to do what I could to modify.

I exercised yesterday (2 mile walking DVD) and then cleaned and hauled a ton of stuff up and down stairs out to the dumpster. I feel like cleaning out the clutter is definitely helping my chi. I used to be so into feng shui and then I got sick and just didn't care.

Wishing you a good and peaceful week. I think you are one of the bravest and coolest people I've never met!


Denver Refashionista said...

Love the eye Jen.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for the boost Weebs. I hope you are feeling better too.

Diane J Standiford said...

That's an eye? I wondered. denver, ignore me (like I have to say it) if I've asked b4 but you ever been tested for fibromyalgia? Many with MS also have Fms.

Denver Refashionista said...

I have not been tested for Fms. I am pretty sure I don't have it though considering my rigorous yoga practice and abilities. I will keep it in mind.