One day at a time, one day at a time, I'm trying to turn the corner and forget the darkness that has long been clouding my mind. Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before so perhaps I'm on my way.
There have been times where I have railed against this thing with claws and teeth... I have succumbed to moments of near madness. Sometimes the anger has consumed me. Other times it has seemed that the anxiety would eat me alive yet here I stand, one woman warring against the darkness. When I pause here, I remember that through it all I have met my most pressing obligations. I have gone to work and tried my hardest. I have continued to teach yoga. I have gone to yoga myself as much as possible and I have faced it all with little except the faith that this to shall pass.
Some say that the path to transformation is pathed with suffering. Perhaps I have been putting in my dues. It seems that in my toughest moments, I have found words and a voice to soothe others. I taught yoga today while I was sick and yet I found the tranquility it takes to guide a beautiful class. My voice was calm, my breath was full and steady and from my discomfort, a peace emerged. In longer moments, I have been finding this peace again. I imagine that the hardest may yet be in front of me but I am trying to fill my mind and soul with a rememberance of the peace I feel when I do and teach yoga.
I am starting to read a book my mother sent me called "Break Through Pain" by Shinzen Young. It also has a CD of guided practice. I listened to it a bit today and found myself soothed. I was thinking I could listen to it on the way to work when I often feel the worst. It may not free me of my morning nausea but perhaps it will help me continue to calm my mind in ways that allow me to face my day with grace. I want so badly to learn from the difficult times of late. I want to learn to accept myself and my limitations more. I want to better know myself. I want to move beyond the place where I can only think of now to a place where I can be in the now but view the future without anxiety. Right now I am ok. I want to remember that even during the hard times. Everything I need for a beautiful life is already inside of me.