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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The anger stage

I wonder if anyone ever truly gets over the anger stage? Those who have been following my blog know that things have been getting a lot better for me lately but I still experience regular fits of anger around my disease. The thing that has been making me the angriest lately is the physical discomfort associated with chronic illness. I feel so much better mentally that I want to do a variety of things and I get really frustrated when my health stops me in my tracks.

It seems for every amount of energy I expend, I need as much down time, sleep or rest to counteract it. For some activities I need more. When I attend an hour of yoga, I need at least two hours of nap after to restore my energy. It seems the moment I am fatigued, other problems start to kick in. Lately, not a day goes by where I don't feel ill at some juncture. Sometimes I'm nauseated, sometimes I have skull pain, sometimes my eyes won't focus right and often my body feels downright lousy. Is this the rest of my life?

Why do I feel so icky? Discomfort has become such a major part of my life that for the most part I ignore it and go on with my activities now. I try not to complain too much. On the other hand, I am almost embarassed that when someone asks how I have been feeling that I am compelled to reply, "Not so great."

Tomorrow I am going to a group called MS 101 and I am hoping that talking to others will alleviate some of my concerns. Somehow I thought that between relapses I would feel fine. I also thought that once I got the mental piece controlled that the physical piece would follow. I do spend less time in bed but I still feel cruddy while I'm going about my day. I just don't get it.

Today I am grateful that I can keep on keeping on in the face of challenge.

10 comments:

Heather said...

You are so lucky to have MS groups around you. There is absolutely nothing where I live. At times I've thought of starting something but just don't have the time. How did you find the MS 101?

LISA EMRICH said...

I find that the anger comes and goes. With each cycle of denial/anger/acceptance, it does get easier and easier.

Shauna said...

DR,
Lisa's right...it will come and go. And don't ignore other health issues. We are quick to blame our MS for the myriad of symptoms we experience, when colds, flus, allergies, and other crap continue to plague us.

S.

Serina said...

I hope the group you are going to encourages hope and well being.

I was invited to go to one local MS group a few months ago, but when I called to get the information, the woman on the phone was so patronizing and down trodden in the conversation, that I was really scared to go, so I chickened out.

I know that when I'm mentally not in the right place, and overtired, that symptoms get much worse. I was afraid to get to a point where I'm dwelling on it, thus fostering me to feel even "worse". I was worried that if the collective group made me feel the way that one woman on the phone did, that it wouldn't be beneficial.

I probably should have given it a chance, there might be others there that would have been good to talk to.

I hope that the group you are going to try proves to be a good resource to you. :)

Jen said...

I think I've just become used to a lot of crap, to be honest. It's now a part of me and I don't think much about it, unless I'm having an acute relapse and the symptoms are excrutiating. Day-to-day I just plug along and (usually) appreciate my "slowed" existence--- which has helped tremendously.

I think this comes with time and experience, but the anger may never completely go away. It still simmers under the surface, but the good always outweighs the bad-- for me.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for checking in everybody. Also, thanks for the insights. The group was very good BTW.

Stuff could always be worse said...

I do find talking to others about life with MS helps me a lot. It took me 10 years before I thought I should go to a meeting. The National MS Society helps our group and is supposed to help anyone start one. They are not perfect but do seem to try.
Keep on going, it will be good.

herrad said...

Hi,

Find that anger and sadness are very closely linked.

Have to always tell myself to stop before it escalates and tips me into a deep depression.

Have only learned recently that acceptance is not giving in.

Keep warm and cheerful.
Love,
Herrad

www.ConquerMS.com said...

Meditation has helped me and I've become much more easy going. I was angry and in denial in the beginning but it did pass.
Robert

Blindbeard said...

I have been in the anger stage for, oh, almost 4 years now and prefer it to "grief" and such. At least anger is a motivator and keeps me moving and challenging myself to do the things I want to do. I dread the end of anger -- it has become a close and trusted friend.