There was a time-- It's been a few months now-- but there was a time where I questioned whether life was even worth living. Somehow I had let myself be swallowed by my grief and my disease. The future looked dark to me. It looked so dark that there were days where I could not even get myself to remember why last April I fought so hard to live. During this time, I kept telling myself, "Everything you need for a beautiful life is already inside of you," and yet I could not find a way to believe. I was reading Stephen Cope's "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self" and realizing that I no longer had any idea who I was or why I mattered at all. Those were truly hard times because I had entirely lost my sense of self.
Times since then have been hard too but not as hard. Something started to shift in December but life was still a struggle a lot of the time. It seemed the more I sought, the less I knew. When the new year arrived I was fixated on finding contentment. I was also fixated on the idea that I should already have things figured out, that I should be feeling a lot better than I did. While I worked hard at feeling better, it seemed that little shifted. It was only when I gave myself permission to snap out of a bad frame of mind, that I finally started to feel better.
It seems the more I did not allow myself to wallow in negative states, the better I felt. Suddenly, about a week or two ago, it occured to me, "I know who I am again." It was as though I had to quit searching in order to remember. I thought that maybe I never knew who I was but now I realize that despite the many ways I have changed, I know exactly who I am. It has been a really long time since I could say that I felt comfortable in my own skin but today I realized it.
Twice this week, I have found myself filled with unexplainable joy. I keep finding myself singing. I am grateful for this newfound comfort.
Good things have been happening to me lately too. I got an almost perfect score on my evaluation at work. I actually felt like my score was too high but my boss said I earned it. In the spirit of that sentiment, I feel a renewed urge to do an excellent job. My review did not make me feel like I could be complacent, rather, it lit a fire under me to be worthy of what the document said about me.
I also got a great compliment today on my yoga teaching. I subbed for a class yesterday and one of my students actually took the time to email the owner of the studio about how much she loved my class. Her email means so much to me. Yoga is one of my passions and I love to teach yoga and spark that passion in others.
In the past both my evaluation and my review would just have been another form of external validation. I used to need so many external reminders that I was achieving something. Now this all means something entirely different. I have found myself again and so the best of me is shining forth. Today I am grateful to know myself again.
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