I have noticed that yoga teachers and meditation teachers alike often talk about finding equanimity. There is something beautiful about that word "eqanimity." It fills me with visions of a perfect peace in the body and the mind. I crave the equanimity and sometimes I find it in my own yoga and meditation practice. More and more I am trying to create these feelings beyond the mat and take them into my life.
I have also noticed that my mind is often in a cluttered place in which my yearning to be entirely present is lost in a jumble of worries about things I can do little about in the moment. In the midst of a break, a weekend or a yoga practice, I will find my thoughts drifting towards little worries that cannot be solved in that instant and things that need not constantly trouble me. I believe it is when I allow these things to overtake my mind that I cultivate depression and anxiety. When I merely notice these things as "mindfulness" suggests and then let them float by like objects in a stream, I feel much more peaceful inside. It is a slow road but I think I am learning to better control my thoughts.
About four days ago I decided to just be happy or at least content and things got easier. When I find myself fixating on irrational worries, I push these things from my mind. I have chosen to focus my thoughts and energy on the small things I look forward to. I think this is positive. There was a while there where I could find nothing to look forward to and nothing to appreciate. My sun stopped shining. Then, about two weeks ago, I started to notice pinpoints of light in my self-induced darkness. There have been many times since then when I have found myself fixated again on what's not working. At these points, I have had to work very hard to keep my mind from getting lost again in those dark places but I am determined to enjoy what peace and happiness I can find when I can find them. I have renewed my efforts to do the things I enjoy and to spend time with the people in my life who make me feel good. The more of this I do, the less guilt I feel about the things I am not doing.
I realize that I need balance in my life. I may spend a lot of time at work and that may often get me down but still, that is not my whole life, nor is it who I am. Yesterday's invocation of things I am grateful for reminded me just how many things there are outside my job that define me and bring me joy almost every day. This weekend I was able to live almost entirely in the moment. Today I can say that despite some health issues, this was a good weekend. I got to do everything I wanted and needed to do just by balancing my time and thoughts in ways that made sense. Tomorrow I will continue to seek balance as I move through my day.