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Sunday, November 16, 2008


I have noticed that yoga teachers and meditation teachers alike often talk about finding equanimity. There is something beautiful about that word "eqanimity." It fills me with visions of a perfect peace in the body and the mind. I crave the equanimity and sometimes I find it in my own yoga and meditation practice. More and more I am trying to create these feelings beyond the mat and take them into my life.

I have also noticed that my mind is often in a cluttered place in which my yearning to be entirely present is lost in a jumble of worries about things I can do little about in the moment. In the midst of a break, a weekend or a yoga practice, I will find my thoughts drifting towards little worries that cannot be solved in that instant and things that need not constantly trouble me. I believe it is when I allow these things to overtake my mind that I cultivate depression and anxiety. When I merely notice these things as "mindfulness" suggests and then let them float by like objects in a stream, I feel much more peaceful inside. It is a slow road but I think I am learning to better control my thoughts.

About four days ago I decided to just be happy or at least content and things got easier. When I find myself fixating on irrational worries, I push these things from my mind. I have chosen to focus my thoughts and energy on the small things I look forward to. I think this is positive. There was a while there where I could find nothing to look forward to and nothing to appreciate. My sun stopped shining. Then, about two weeks ago, I started to notice pinpoints of light in my self-induced darkness. There have been many times since then when I have found myself fixated again on what's not working. At these points, I have had to work very hard to keep my mind from getting lost again in those dark places but I am determined to enjoy what peace and happiness I can find when I can find them. I have renewed my efforts to do the things I enjoy and to spend time with the people in my life who make me feel good. The more of this I do, the less guilt I feel about the things I am not doing.

I realize that I need balance in my life. I may spend a lot of time at work and that may often get me down but still, that is not my whole life, nor is it who I am. Yesterday's invocation of things I am grateful for reminded me just how many things there are outside my job that define me and bring me joy almost every day. This weekend I was able to live almost entirely in the moment. Today I can say that despite some health issues, this was a good weekend. I got to do everything I wanted and needed to do just by balancing my time and thoughts in ways that made sense. Tomorrow I will continue to seek balance as I move through my day.


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Diane J Standiford said...

Denver, how wonderful. I so envy your ability to do yoga; it is all but impossible for me, but I do what I can and skip over all I can't asap. I plan. Big plans. And I have learned that indeed balance in all things does make for happiness to enter.

Shauna said...

It's really cool to see you learn and move forward. I'm glad you're able to do this. As much as everyone else can give advice, it's always an individual process to come out of the fog.



I agree/concur with Shauna...this was beautifully written, both showing vulnerability and strength. Thank you for writing it...

Linda D. in Seattle

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for dropping in jesse. I'll swing by soon.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks Diane. Yoga helps with the physical balancing too so even breath practice is helpful.

Denver Refashionista said...

Shauna, you're right. It is definitly something one has to come to on their own although all the love and support I have been getting of late really helps.

Denver Refashionista said...

Linda, thanks for dropping in. I hope your cleanse did the same for you that these last few days of growth have done for me.