Slowly Crawling Forth

When I look back to last Sunday it seems I have come a long way. A week ago at this time I was ill and depressed. Last Monday was really rough too. I was so frustrated because I have been trying so hard to get back on track and to feel good about myself and my life.

I think things started to shift for me a little last Tuesday. I woke up and actually felt excited about something. I was excited for the election. By the time I went to bed on Tuesday, Barack Obama was the president elect. I could see a real reason for hope and excitement.

Wednesday was not perfect but I found I again had reason for hope. That was the day I met a fellow MSer at work and started to get things more in perspective.

Thursday was the first day I used a "to do list" to get focused. It made me feel a lot better about what I had accomplished because I had something tangible to grab onto. I have gotten several pieces of advice to focus more on what I have done than what I have not. I have noticed that by making a list and checking things off I feel like I have done more of value with my day.

Friday was also ok. There is nothing spectacular to report but things went fine.

Saturday I was really busy. I did about four hours of grading and went to yoga. I also went to a nice family party and got to see everyone for the first time in a while. Then I went out and saw my best friend dj and got a chance to visit with her and some other friends. I was exhausted and didn't stay out that late but I was proud of myself for getting dressed up and making it out to two different places to catch up with people.

Today had its bright spots too. I slept in a little because I was still so tired but once I got up, I had some coffee and started on my latest to do list. Although I only had about an hour before yoga, I managed to finish my grading and take care of several little things I needed to do before class. I got to class and again I actually felt really great and excited about something. The class felt amazing. I looked in the mirror and I saw the old me again. I remember how in the past just going to yoga filled me with feelings of peace and power. Today I felt that for the first time in a long time. I practiced next to the regional manager of the studio where I go. That was awesome because she embodies the teacher I would like to be. Just practicing next to her made the class extra special. When I walked out of the studio, my heart was filled with joy.

I am beginning to notice this joy in short bursts again. So far it is not lasting but it gives me the encouragement to keep seeking more of it. I am starting to see myself beyond my job again. It seemed for quite some time there that my job was me and that was terrible because I felt like things were going so poorly. Honestly, I'm not sure they are all that much better now but I can see little evidences of student learning here and there so I suspect I have not screwed them up too badly. I also see it is not all on me. All I can do on any given day is my best. I think some of my self-scrutiny has come because of comments made to me by my department head and one of my friends at work. I see that while they mean well, I can't take every word they say to heart. Neither one is in my room and even if they were, how much better would things look? Even if they did look better, should I really beat myself up when I know how much thought I give things or how much effort I put in each day? I want to find a way to more regularly see myself the way I saw myself in yoga today. I was strong, fierce and beautiful and I knew what I was all about. For a little while, I really loved being that person. Perhaps I am slowly beginning to crawl forth.