I'm sure yesterday's post made it quite apparent just how awesome I have been feeling. This day started even worse because despite my best-laid plans, I woke up sick again. I awoke around 3:00 feeling awful. My whole body ached, my stomach and head hurt and my mouth was parched. I got up and took ibuprofin and dreamed of awaking hours later feeling fine. Alas, I awoke again at 6:00 feeling about the same. I slept fitfully until 8:00 (the time I plannned to get up for yoga) and realized that going to class was a pipe dream. I also planned to walk with my sister at 10:30 so I reset the alarm with visions of at least doing something with myself today. I was up again at 9:00 full of guilt about the time I had already laid in bed and the realization that I was going to do more of it. I had a message from my sister canceling the walk but I was relieved because I still felt awful.
I lay in bed for two more hours after that feeling guilty and awful. I was angry at myself for not pushing through. I was angry at myself for not "changing" despite my best intentions. My mind has clearly become my own worst enemy. It won't let me rest when I need to rest. The guilt about not doing better, being better and needing help rarely lifts and yet deep down, I know this is part of why my mental state remains so often tenuous. So many people have listened and reached out to me and yet I am unhealed. I realize that is because this is one demon I have to wrestle alone. Even throughout my mom's careful coaching, I found I did little except loathe myself and create excuses. I did decide to accept the help my husband kept offering so at least I eventually ate and had tea.
After that, I called my friend and we spoke at length for the first time in a long while. I discovered that her daily existence has been as much if not more of a struggle than mine of late. We talked about our shared past that has left us both with high levels of undefined anxiety. We also talked about our tendencies to mentally spin small things into mountains. It seems we also share the feelings of inadequacy and guilt. As she spoke, I just wanted to tell her to be easier on herself. I realized that I need to take my own advice. Even if all the beliefs I have built up about my failures of late are grounded in reality, I can do nothing to remedy them if I constantly dwell on my mistakes. At least for the short term, my guilt has lessened. I cannot know how long this will last but at least now I can acknowledge that I made a good choice today when I just allowed myself to rest. The end of this suffering may not yet be within my grasp but perhaps it's the little stuff that gets us through the day that matters.