So I just have too many ideas and things flashing through my mind to focus on one so I'm just going to dump for a minute and let it all come out as it may.
This is a day for hope. On my way to work and on my way home I listened to NPR and the post election coverage. A great deal of the news and stories I heard almost brought me to tears. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of this election's place in history. I am daring to dream again that we really can combat what often looks like a bleak future. I needed to be inspired and this inspires me.
I am inspired butI am still unfocused. Despite the realization of one of my greatest hopes, I am still struggling to get my own head on straight. I find I am distracted, moody and easily irritated. Nothing seems easy anymore. My mind cannot seem to create a simple list of what to do next or how best to focus my limitd energy. This makes me frustrated and the more frustrated I feel, the harder it is to yank myself out of the funk. While I aspire to look more than a day ahead, something is holding me back. I keep thinking, "If I could just concentrate more or work harder things would get better." Somehow, I don't think this is going to be a mind over matter thing although my husband insists it is. Apparently, if I just decide things will be better, then they will. The problem is I try to make that intention every day but then I find my senses overloaded and my mind abuzz and the control I seek is still not there.
This has troubled me for some time. I am ok with learning to cut myself some slack but I am not ok with having so little control over my own mind or ability to concentrate. I am like a sailboat, carried by the wind with nothing to tether me. I do not like this at all.
This sudden onslaught of ADHD-like behavior and symptoms is not helping me to feel better about myself or my ability to control my situation. Until now, it has just been another thing to feel bad about but today another woman at work came and told me that she too has MS and we had the time to chat for awhile. It helped me a bit to commiserate in person with someone else who seems to be going through similar things. She said that she even takes Ridlin sometimes to focus. Hearing that actually made me feel better. Here I just kept wondering why I felt so spacey and empty-headed, only to learn that someone else feels this way too. While it doesn't fix my problem, it makes me regard myself with less severity for having the problem. Does anyone else out there have this issue? What do you do to help you concentrate?
I was thinking about just making giant "to do" lists to help me focus on what to do next but I'm not sure because sometimes giant lists just stress me out or make me worried about what I'm not doing. Today I tried just doing things as I thought of them so I wouldn't procrastinate or add the mental stress of another thing left for tomorrow. It did help a little but I also found myself doing several things I did not plan to do at all. Maybe that was actually for the best, I'm not sure.