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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Brain Dump

So I just have too many ideas and things flashing through my mind to focus on one so I'm just going to dump for a minute and let it all come out as it may.

This is a day for hope. On my way to work and on my way home I listened to NPR and the post election coverage. A great deal of the news and stories I heard almost brought me to tears. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of this election's place in history. I am daring to dream again that we really can combat what often looks like a bleak future. I needed to be inspired and this inspires me.

I am inspired butI am still unfocused. Despite the realization of one of my greatest hopes, I am still struggling to get my own head on straight. I find I am distracted, moody and easily irritated. Nothing seems easy anymore. My mind cannot seem to create a simple list of what to do next or how best to focus my limitd energy. This makes me frustrated and the more frustrated I feel, the harder it is to yank myself out of the funk. While I aspire to look more than a day ahead, something is holding me back. I keep thinking, "If I could just concentrate more or work harder things would get better." Somehow, I don't think this is going to be a mind over matter thing although my husband insists it is. Apparently, if I just decide things will be better, then they will. The problem is I try to make that intention every day but then I find my senses overloaded and my mind abuzz and the control I seek is still not there.

This has troubled me for some time. I am ok with learning to cut myself some slack but I am not ok with having so little control over my own mind or ability to concentrate. I am like a sailboat, carried by the wind with nothing to tether me. I do not like this at all.

This sudden onslaught of ADHD-like behavior and symptoms is not helping me to feel better about myself or my ability to control my situation. Until now, it has just been another thing to feel bad about but today another woman at work came and told me that she too has MS and we had the time to chat for awhile. It helped me a bit to commiserate in person with someone else who seems to be going through similar things. She said that she even takes Ridlin sometimes to focus. Hearing that actually made me feel better. Here I just kept wondering why I felt so spacey and empty-headed, only to learn that someone else feels this way too. While it doesn't fix my problem, it makes me regard myself with less severity for having the problem. Does anyone else out there have this issue? What do you do to help you concentrate?

I was thinking about just making giant "to do" lists to help me focus on what to do next but I'm not sure because sometimes giant lists just stress me out or make me worried about what I'm not doing. Today I tried just doing things as I thought of them so I wouldn't procrastinate or add the mental stress of another thing left for tomorrow. It did help a little but I also found myself doing several things I did not plan to do at all. Maybe that was actually for the best, I'm not sure.


pat said...

I assure you, I'm like that daily! I have a very small "favor" to ask of you Nadja-ok, listen up.It's something I teach my clients (after someone taught it to me) to do when they suffer from "lack of fulfillment" days!!!! I want you to write a blog or short entry on the Passive things you accomplish daily.e.g.- I did not harm anyone today- I did not litter, I did not cause anyone to cry, etc. Get the idea? No concentration needed, just a little awareness. I remember one client who wrote" I did not make fun of my roommate's snoring" and we got such a laugh from that in group!Oh, it might only be you did not kill any spiders, thereby allowing them to catch the fly which might have landed on someone's sandwich and gave them a deadly disease!!! LOL- See? We are so much more than the things we do, we are also what we do not do.Please try it, the least that will happen is a bit of perspective about your accomplishments and so-called failures, with a bit of fun thrown in. Try not to be too serious with it. Have a bit of fun, and get your students involved.Will you do that? I wait to read all about it! My best to you.

kayla said...

Great blog some how i found you looking for info on our sons birth defect esophageal atresia, i wish you the best. also i was wondering if there is any way you would be willing to exchange links? I woulds be so greatful, thanks so much i iwsh you nothing but the best.

Jen said...

I have the attention span of a flea, but I think I had this prior to MS. I am the biggest proponent of lists. Yes, very dorky, but if I didn't I'd never remember to do anything. I've found that making a VERY flexible list with only one or two things on it each day gets me to stick it. Instead of a daily list with 4-6 things (that I might not get around to), I do it for the week and decide what absolutely has to be done and what I'd like to get done. I place them according to importance on the list, so if at the end of the week I don't accomplish something low in priority, I don't feel bad about it and I don't crucify myself for it. I can also add things if I need to and I don't feel overwhelmed because the load isn't too much when spread over the course of a week.

Another dorky thing I do is reward myself with something small (a new pretty notebook or a great smelling candle) when I accomplish the list at the end of the week. Just a way to reming myself that it's cool to get stuff done.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks Pat. That's a great suggestion. I may even still be able to list what I have done because despite my frustrations, I do a lot every day. Today I have not strangled any children yet (LOL).

Denver Refashionista said...

Kayla, I'll see what I can do. My school computer is blocking your site but I'll try from home in the next few. Thanks for dropping in. BTW I am not knowledgeable about your son's condition but I bet I came up because I had a Mallory Weiss tear in my esophagus in April.

Denver Refashionista said...

Jen I like your approach. I started today with a mental list and I am pretty sure I hit all the morning items so I'm feeling good and a bit more focused. I amy do this for awhile and see what helps. Hmmm... how will I reward myself?


Admittedly (and oddly somewhat "proud" in a strange way), I keep THREE calendars running at any given time to keep me on task! This may not be ADHD, but it certainly borders on OCD...I have to keep a running To Do list always. If for no other reason than to have a place to write something down and get it OUT of my mind.

Linda D. in Seattle

Merelyme said...

I love to do very survival depends upon them. Sometimes if you just survive the know...that is a great accomplishment. Keep hanging in there. I am rooting for ya.