4/27/08

Journal # 2 4/27/08

Attitude adjustment imperative! Ok, so yesterday I wrote a bunch of sort of exploratory thoughts as I adjust to the changes in my life. I guess some of it probably never should have even been published but I did find the process helpful and cathartic. I now wish to apologize to everyone who might have received my initial journal as I never meant that it should cause anyone, especially my husband any undue pain.

If you did get the entry it was because I felt that a great degree of honesty with my friends was essential to helping me process things. Sometimes it is better to be really honest with ourselves and get all our pain, fears and frustrations out. I know I talk a lot but sometimes I put too much optimism and denial out there just so I can help others feel better. It is more in my nature to avoid conflict, pressure and pain for others and to put myself last. I guess last night I just had to give myself a short pity party so I can start moving onto the new me.

Matt was particularly devastated by the entry because it made him worried that I was depressed or that I would do something stupid to myself or that I would give up. To set the record straight, as long as my intellect is in place, even if my typing is total shit I will continue to be strong, fight hard and learn more about what I really want from this life.

Surprisingly, I AM ACTUALLY FINDING THAT I HAVE MORE NEW GOALS AND DREAMS THAN EVER BEFORE. I am not certain how long this relapse will last or what I will do next but I am tossing around tons of ideas already. Maybe, ultimately, this will improve my future beyond my wildest dreams.