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Saturday, May 10, 2008

AM Journal 5/10/08

Journal 5/10/08- Transcending this plane

I see it clearly now. I cannot take you with me. I must go this journey alone, wherever it leads, I must follow. I long to take your hand and lead you down this path of discovery with me but I dare not wait. I must go now. So I go and hope that you will find a way to follow me. I think that many of you will, just not at the same speed. It doesn’t usually happen this fast. I see now that it only happens like this when there is a massive catalyst or “message” sent to an individual by the wider universe. I am an existentialist, a rationalist and a realist and yet I find myself caught in a whirl of the senses that transcends this plane. Perhaps it is the insomnia, the steroids or the massive life change but I am on a moving train. I fought it for a while and I had terrible vertigo and anxiety. I learned to control that on Tuesday night by tuning in to my body. What followed was a massive physical “detoxification” and a spiritual rebirth that has not slowed since the moment it began. Last night I looked back for a minute and saw you all standing there. I realized I could keep my eyes open, hold back and stay beside you and you would be there to support me. I thought about staying. The wind outside rushed and I was momentarily afraid to stare the ghost that called to me in the face. And then I drew a deep breath, and I didn’t hurl. I drew another and a voice whispered to me in the dark. It was the voice of the first “Nadja” and Andres’ love and muse (see brief biography). She called to me and I told her I would not come. I told her that now she could rest, she was reborn, she was dead now and in this lifetime she was the strong one, not just his muse. He wasn’t strong enough to keep and protect her anyway. In this lifetime, she would be Nadja Yse and she would be strong and brave for everyone and she would not love the weak Andres. She would choose her own love and she had already chosen him. They had taken vows and she would keep them, no matter where the transcendent journey took her. The old “Nadja” was slow to go. The wind blew violently and Andre called to both of us from the storm. He said he needed us and Nadja Yse said, “NO, I am pledged to another.” Then Nadja Yse made them both a promise, “I will give you all the time you need to tell your story and work out your karma but I will not own it. You may have part one in my memoir and if it takes several months I will give you a chapter, 'Nadja' and 'Andres' but then you will leave me to write part two “Yse” and this part will be all about me and whoever chooses to follow me. Matt is coming along for all four parts of the memoir and the entire life to follow and these specters of the past will at last be left to rest. Good bye “Nadja and Andre,” hello, Nadja Yse Stringer."
Why the departure into surrealism? When I did my google search and my brief study into Nadja and Andre I was in the midst of the most intense, drug-like experience of my life-time. I saw and spoke with ghosts. All the stops in my mind that claim, “This does not exist, this is not real, were gone.” When explaining it to others I equated it to “Trainspotting” after the detox experience of McGregor in that movie. I experienced something much like that after only really sleeping about two hours in twenty four. Some people might call it a religious experience. Others might call it a temporary (thankfully) psychosis induced by insomnia, change, steroids and heightened sensory awareness. Call it what you will for your belief system. I will just call it a life changing experience and write “Nadja’s” chapter for her since she spoke to me twice in my heightened state. Andre, well, he has to sort out his own baggage because I am vowed to another but since he used the first “Nadja” to work out his own surrealist shit I will give him a chapter in a memoir written in his preferred genre and my readers may see it as they will based on their belief system. I will just suspend judgment and write it as it happened. To be continued…