Journal 5/07/08- Dark Night of the Soul but Sunshine on the Other Side
On Monday night/early Tuesday I let myself go further into my fear than almost ever before… What started as an experiment fared very poorly on that darkest night of my soul.
It all started as an experiment. I had been battling terrible insomnia and I finally caved and asked my doctor for a sleep aide. I took the pill with visions dancing in my head of a long, much-needed, blissful sleep. When it started to kick in, I began to have my doubts. My vision blurred and suddenly my world was sweeping sidewise again.
When I got into bed with Matt, I was filled with dread. My bed just felt wrong. Images of myself hurling vomit into a plastic salad bowl on the right side of my bed haunted me. I gripped Matt’s hand tightly and tried to breathe but I was drowning with fear. I cried and talked, trying to release my anxiety. Matt listened and spoke soothingly. He suggested dropping a leg to the floor for the “drunk’s balance.” I tried but still I was full of fear and vertigo. I couldn’t decide if it was real or imagined, so fierce was my anxiety. I found myself fighting the drowsy downward pull of the sleep aide. Every time I closed my eyes I seemed to sink into the whirling, dark mass of my bed. Eventually the pill took me but only for about four hours of haunted, nauseated sleep.
I awoke at about 4:00 a.m., anxious and ill. I waited until Matt woke up and then begged to be held but I could not get away from my fears and illness. I finally asked for a cold compress and a vomit bucket.
I didn’t puke. Thank goodness for that since I am also still haunted by retching up blood a few weeks ago. Matt brought me food in bed and I eventually ate and got my meds down. I psyched myself into bathing. It helped a little and I finally made it away from the fear of my dreaded bed.
Unfortunately, I spent my entire day glued to the couch fighting headaches and nausea. Matt’s family had a crisis and I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there for them and him but all I could do was try to fight the anxiety and illness. By the end of the day I was a wreck. I cried for at least a quarter of the time Matt was gone. By 4:00 I was really freaking out and then my friend came by. Slowly the last effects of the sleep aide wore off along with my nausea. Matt brought groceries and made dinner. He also brought me a holistic remedy for anxiety called Bach’s Rescue Remedy. It really did the trick.
When I put the tincture under my tongue the anxiety immediately released. Eventually I could put my head down and lay flat on my stomach. Matt rubbed my back and I relaxed. Then, he took me to bed at 8:30 p,m. and changed the comforter and pillow to help alleviate my negative associations with our bed recently. I feel into a deep, peaceful slumber for about 3 hours. I awoke without anxiety, spent some time with Matt, rested and finally got up at 2:00 a.m.
Now I feel free from anxiety and almost ready to go to sleep a little again. Better yet, the sun will shine tomorrow. I realized again tonight that my life is truly mine to shape as I will. There will be dark, dark notes but there will also be splendid sunrises.